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A couple of months ago, I wrote a column about what children under the age of three can't yet do. Many readers responded with questions about sharing, since I had said that young children just couldn't share.

One mother commented that she has five children and had always "made" them share. She went on, "I agree it hasn't worked at all. In fact, I find that my oldest is especially possessive, even at 13. I'd love to hear how you would suggest approaching the idea of sharing."

Here are some thoughts.

It is important to understand how young children develop psychologically. As infants, they are involved in close, warm relationships with parents, and from those relationships come secure attachments.

For the infant, the world consists mostly within the circle of that first relationship, and the accompanying feelings of trust in others.

In toddlerhood, the newly independent individual begins to explore the concept of him/herself as a separate being. For the toddler, that means seeing "what I can do, what I can express, and what I can own." In that exploration, the toddler is wholly focused on mine.

You may have seen the toddler's creed:

If I want it, it's mine.

If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine.

If I can take it away from you, it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

If it's mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.

If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.

If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

Now all this possessiveness grates on adults who know that peaceful coexistence involves developing a sense of others' rights. But for the purpose of developing a sense of self, it is a necessary step in the process. As such, parents do well not to teach too soon the lessons of sharing, or even expect such ability until about age three or so.

In the meantime, adults take on the role of arbitrator, helping each child get a turn in some semblance of fairness, but not talking too much beyond "Ginny needs a turn with this," or "You can use this while you wait for a turn." No expectations and no preaching.

Toddlers can enjoy brief sharing experiences when we provide big, stationary things too heavy to be dragged away by one child, and large enough so both children can act on the material at the same time, such as large boxes with two openings or climbing structures. They also do better when there are sufficient numbers and kinds of toys to avoid possession squabbles.

Around age three, we see that children are moving to an interest in other children. Learning friendly behaviors means learning that the individual must occasionally control one's wishes to please others. This is an appropriate time to begin talking about sharing behaviors.

Parents model sharing--"Let me share some of my cookie with you." They praise first evidences of giving in to others. "Thanks for getting off the swing when Ricky asked you for a turn." Parents remind children of friendly behaviors such as letting others have a turn with their toys before social encounters.

First sharing experiences are easier when they are not expected with favorite possessions. Children should be allowed to put away a favorite toy or two that they might have trouble sharing with a visiting friend. Even in families, children should be able to safeguard a special item from use by others. After all, I'll bet you would feel some reluctance in being expected to share your favorite book, CD, or sweater, wouldn't you?

All of this is perhaps the hardest thing we have asked children to do so far in their short lives--to care more about others' feelings and wishes than their own. So sharing is just not possible until children have first achieved a sense of self and autonomy. Rushing the process only makes children anxious about possessions. Better to wait a while for this important lesson.